When I Couldn’t Imagine Being Smaller.
/Weight Loss Fluctuations (3.31.2025 to 4.6.2025)
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We spend our lives passing through a series of what seems ‘normal’ at the time. Our earliest ‘normals’ are whatever our childhood looked like. Family structures, traditions, and the landscape of our days were what we knew. It was how we learned to think about ourselves and our lives. The transition to adolescence, then teenagerhood, young adulthood, and so on each morphed our thoughts and expectations into new ‘normals.’
These changes make sense. But we can find ourselves in a normal that ain’t all that great.
Over a couple of decades, I gradually became so accustomed to being overweight, obese, and ultimately morbidly so that I surrendered to it. Being fat was my normal. And just as we can’t imagine being forty years old when we’re twenty, I couldn’t conjure even a fantasy version of myself that wasn’t perfectly round. My defeat regarding my weight was total. Confoundingly, while I knew to my marrow that I was fat, I refused to look at photographic evidence of it. My family learned that showing me a photo in which I was present would end up in a hairy situation. Why was this? Because there must have been a tendril of a wisp of a thought that if I avoided objective proof of how heavy I was, then maybe it wasn’t as bad as I feared.
Can you say magical thinking?
Consequently, I avoided cameras and the damning images they produced. No, my normal was being a gregarious, intelligent, successful, fat person. I decided my role in the universe was to be that jovial, rotund friend, the one making self-deprecating jokes lest anyone think that I didn’t know how far gone I was, weight-wise. I couldn’t imagine being smaller ... or being happy with myself.
That was before I started following the ketogenic diet.
I had given up on losing weight but didn’t want to take insulin for Type 2 Diabetes, which was certainly in the cards. But weight loss happened. I became smaller and smaller. Over about three years, I lost 97.4 pounds. I’ve been weight-stable for several years since. I wore size 24W jeans from Costco when I started. The last pair I purchased was size 6. I donated all the fat clothes and enjoyed my new wardrobe options.
Or I thought I had gotten rid of all the fat clothes.
When cleaning out a closet in a spare bedroom, I found a black sleeveless dress and a matching jacket. I undoubtedly purchased it for a funeral. It was very high quality and, thankfully, rarely worn. I held the 2-piece suit before me, holding the coat hanger with my mouth agape. It was size 24W. It appeared like a made-up outfit, like an exhibit of things at a four-times scale. But it wasn’t made up. And it wasn’t someone else’s. It was mine, and I had, at one time, filled it out.
I couldn’t imagine being that large.
My new normal is not being the jolly, rotund lady. My new normal is being the flawed, spoiled, blessed, lucky-as-hell runt. And now, some photos that I couldn’t bear to know even existed, I post for the world to see. I can no longer identify with that person. Neither my life nor I are perfect. But one thing that I can now declare, a thing I once felt was beyond my reach, is that of the things that might push me around or get me down; food isn’t one of them.
If you can’t imagine something different—or feeling differently—know that it is within your grasp. Because if I can do this, you can do this.
I promise.
Disclaimer: I’m not a medical doctor, researcher, or Ph.D., but instead, I’ve been fortunate to have had the time and resources to research the ketogenic diet, also known as LCHF (low carb/high fat). The information I share is based solely on my understanding of that research. We are all responsible for our own choices, including what we put in our mouths, and there’s no substitute for each of us checking things out ourselves. And I’m not a medical professional in any way. Go Keto With Casey is not a medical site. “Duh,” you might say. But best to make it clear to all. I welcome questions, comments, and even civil criticism. I’m still learning. So, if you have something to add, go for it. Links in this post and all others may direct you to affiliate links, where I will receive a small amount of the purchase price of any items you buy through those links. Thanks!
